apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Randomize
