cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Is it penis luge time yet?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
