You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Randomize
