I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
3 2 1 whiskey
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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