I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
