Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
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Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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