Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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