Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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