so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
