if you like me you must not know who I am
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
