We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
