She went from zero to smokin in five shots
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Randomize
