do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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