My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
