a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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