all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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