one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Randomize
