I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
