oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Randomize
