made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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