if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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