Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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