oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
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Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
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He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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