i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
