I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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