do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
