He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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