I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
