i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
how drunk are you?
Several
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
