I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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