youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
