I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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