Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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