At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I just found puke in my bra..
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
