My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
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