forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie