I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life