My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."