I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
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the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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