Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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