Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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