Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
