My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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