im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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