you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
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they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
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i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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