I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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