I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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