I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
