I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Randomize
