I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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