Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
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