I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
as a side note pls kill me
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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