Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
