I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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