did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Randomize
