I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
