He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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