I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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