I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
