I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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