I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
3 2 1 whiskey
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
