So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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